Welcomb to the Stupid Club
by Stephen L. Bernhardt
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The other day I had trouble with my computer, I messed with it most of the day,
then took a break. Somehow I dropped the mouse in the towlet. I had just flushed so I quick
bent over, plunged my hand into the water, too late. I said "Darn", and then my glasses and pen fell
out of my pocket just in time for the last swrling gush to eat them also. Took me 2 days to take the
towlet apart, found my glasses and my pen, the mouse is in the big septic tank in the sky.
About 5 years ago my part time friend, Mike and I decided to start a club.
When we asked our other friends to join they said,"thats the stupidest thing we ever heard" Right
there and then we had the name for our new clube, "The Stupit club". We decided to make it very exclusive,
so we made the dues real high, $25,000 a year. Recently we just had a big membership drive, as a result of
this effort we would now like to make a public report of our member and financial statius.
NEW MEMBERS: 0-- TOTAL MEMBERS 2
IN THE BANK: $0-- DUES IN A REARS $250,000
The other day Mike and I was talking to Jake, he's the guy that lives in the car
down the street from Mike. Jake said "I feel stupud much of the time", I winked at Mike. We decided to
make Jake an honorary member of the stuped club.
NEW MEMBERS: l-- TOTAL MEMBERS 3
IN THE BANK: $0-- DUES IN OUR REARS $275,000
As you can plainly see by our balance sheet, we are not doing bad. In fact, (don't tell Mike) the other
day I signed a contract for a new club house. $265,000, what a deal, that gives us $ll,000 left over
for stuff.
My wife won't let me have a pet. She says that I forget to feed them and they die.
I want a pet a lot, so I conjered one up in my mind. It is a cat and I named it Mike after my
part time friend. I hate cats, but it is all they had at the time.
Mike and Mike and I were romping around in the snow in our back yard the other day. Mike (the cat)
suddenly disappeared in a hole in the ground. I bent down, reached in a gray uccy stinky mire,
and pulled mike out by the tail. He had my computer mouse in his mouth! Seems it had lodged
in the outlet pipe and backed up the septic system. Mike hissed as I took it out of his mouth
(the cat) and I ran into the house and washed the mouse real good, then plugged it into my
computer. It works! But the little pointer seems a little droopy and DRAGGEY. Mike doesn't
seem to preen himself very much after the septic incident, between him and the mouse I
am forced to stuff cotten up my nose when I work at my computer-Mike sits on top of the moniter,
for a cat he is kind of cute.
I call Mike my part time friend because he only picks up his answing
machine every 50 times I call Him. He says there is only so much of me he can take. I guess he
is refering to how funney I am, cause I am practicing to be a stand-up comic like Jerry Sinfield.
Many's the time we sat up past midnight telling jokes, laughing so hard that Mike would throw up.
I think I am getting funnier because Mike has started throwing up, and all I said was Hi!
Had a scarey close call with Mike the other day! Seems he was practicing watching the super
bowl with one of those hats that have the drink in it and a tube down to your mouth so you can
drink. I guess the shut off valve got stuck and Mike over dosed on Zema. I called him in
de-tox and he said he was fine, be out in a week. I offered to bring over Mike (the cat)
for company but Mike said "Oh no, I don't think so, there probably isn't enough for him
to eat anyway".
EMERGENCY!--EMERGENCY!--OH MY GOD!
Mike, Mike, and I were on our way over to visit Jake the other day.
There was two police cars over by Jakes 55 Buick, and hound dogs
sniffing all over the place. The police said that Jake hadn't been
seen for a week and they figgured maybe a badger drug him off.
They couldn't find his body and would have to wait till the spring
thaw to find him.
It's too bad. I liked Jake, I will miss him. Went to the county
courthouse yesterday to find out who owned the 55 buick Jake lived
in because I needed the right front fender, which would fit just fine
on my 56 Olds. I always liked the holes in the 55 buick fender anyway.
At the courthouse they told me I would have to contact Mrs. Jake because
she owned the car. It turns that Jake wasn't homeless after all! He
worked at Hewlet Packard and his wife just made him live in the Buick
cause he was such a slob!
I'm a Grandpa, I think!
Mike (the cat) had kittens yesterday!
Who was to know! It's not like I ever turned him upside down to check.
I just assumed. I think the father is that ugly, white, long haired cat
from next door that sits around all day coughing up baseball sized hair
balls. Anyway Mike had 6 kittens and I don't know what I am going to do,
all seven of them don't fit on the monitor, and I feel as if I am starting
to form fur balls of my own!
Sometimes Computers get a virus (that's like a head cold),
but lately it seems more like my machine got diarrhea.
Figgured out how to get mike and the kitties on the monitor, I nailed a 3ft.
long, 2 X 6 on top of the monitor so all 7 of them can watch me compute. The
nails didn't hold very good in the plastic, so I gushed some super glue up
under the board. Problem is, I shlouped some super glue on the screen, so I
quick wiped it off with the palm of my hand. The next morning my wife came out
to the garage looking for me, she found me asleep with my head on the keyboard
and my hand glued to the monitor screen. We called Mike, he came over and we
decided the only thing to do was to rip my hand off like you do with duct tape
on a cut. Yautch! That hurt!
Been a week now, and my hand is ok, but you know I was thinking the next time
I go to the DMV to get my drivers license renewed I'll have to take my monitor
along so's they can check my fingerprints.
You know some times I get down cause I feel so stupid. But it doesn't take me
long to get back up - what the hey, I'm president of the club!
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copyright 1997-1998
Stephen L. Bernhardt
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